Midnight Cigarette, Floating Corpses (of Cigarettes), and the Fear of My Wife

 Every man has that one moment in life where he stops and thinks:

“What the hell am I doing?”
My moment came tonight… in the bathroom… with a cigarette… and NO DOOR LOCK!

So yeah, I recently joined the “dark side” — aka smoking. A rookie. A noob. Friends told me that smoking in the bathroom hits different. “It goes straight to your brain,” they said. “It’s more fun!”

Tonight, around 2 AM, the craving hit me hard. Not just a little wish — I’m talking full-blown emergency. I needed that cigarette like my lungs were about to sue me.

So like a ninja, I opened my bag silently, took out a cigarette, grabbed the lighter, and tiptoed into the bathroom.

That’s when I remembered: THE BATHROOM DOOR HAS NO LOCK.

Now I’m holding a cigarette in one hand, lighter in the other, and pure fear in my soul. All I could think was:
“If my wife opens this door… I’m either dead or divorced. Or both.”

Anyway, I used my heel to hold the door shut, like some low-budget secret agent, and lit the cigarette.

First puff… brain said “Nice.”
Conscience said “NOPE.”
I panicked and threw the cigarette into the toilet.

But guess what? The craving was still alive.

So I lit a second one. Took a few puffs. Smoked half of it… and then decided to flush the first one, just to get rid of the evidence.

And the moment I looked in the toilet…

MY HEART ALMOST STOPPED.

THE FIRST CIGARETTE WAS STILL FLOATING.
Just chilling. Like: “You thought I was gone? I’m built different.”

I started sweating. Eyes wide. Hands shaking. I threw the second one in too and started flushing like a madman.

Flush 1: Nope.
Flush 2: Still there.
Flush 3: Now they’re spinning together like a romantic couple.
Flush 4, 5, 6: Still FLOATING.

Image by  Dan lggers | Flickr

At this point, my soul left my body — and just then…

WIFE: “Are you in the bathroom again?”
Me: “Uh… yeah?”
WIFE: “Why do you keep going? Everything okay?”

I grabbed the toothbrush like it was my weapon and started brushing my teeth furiously. I don’t even think there was toothpaste on it.

WIFE: “Didn’t you brush before sleeping?”
Me: “Yeah… just felt like doing it again. Mouth feels weird.”

(Inside, my heart whispered: “Yeah, weird like you just smoked and saw your crimes floating like ghosts.”)

Meanwhile, the cigarettes were STILL floating like Titanic survivors.

Finally, after like the sixth flush, they disappeared.
I stood there like I just won a war.

🚨 Warning: Smoking kills. Seriously. Don’t be like me — laugh at the story, not the habit. 🚭